Well, y'all, I've reached my breaking point.
As I've been at home the last 11 days, my boredom has thrown me head first into my accounts and I am just really... really... feeling it.
While there have been some benefits – I've been able to support some small businesses I wouldn't ordinarily have known about and I've seen others post about acts of kindness – I'm plagued with mostly negativity.
My Lil heart can't take it right now and so I must do what's right for myself, my River lady, and my loved ones (my poor boyfriend is probably losing his mind being stuck with me) and I must social [media] distance myself.
I plan on continuing to blog because this is more of an outlet for me than anything, and I'll post my new blog posts on my Instagram and Facebook, but other than that I'm outtie for a bit.
I wanna leave on this note:
The past 11 days have been filled with collective fear, anger, resentment, and sadness from almost everyone that I follow. I know we're all a bit broken right now and it hurts my heart to see so many people suffer.
I wish we could understand that everyone has something on their plate and I wish we could stop hating each other. That's what it feels like – hate.
I've seen reports of violence and discrimination towards Asians around the world, I've seen posts belittling neighbors for being scared, I've seen blatant disregard for others' safety and health, and I've seen memes made at the expense of our peers. And I just can't handle it anymore.
I wish we could learn from this time spent in our homes – to see others as equals – but as of now, it seems we cannot. I know our reality is simply that, our reality. We feel our lives are the most important because we can't feel or see what others feel and see. We can't know another's mind, and that makes it hard to see that our lives don't revolve around us. Everything is going on around us like a movie and we're the main characters.
But if we take a step back and try to see that each and every single one of us has our own, individual struggles and fears maybe we'd be able to see that we are not, in fact, the main character. But a small cog in a much bigger machine.
I am sad, I am scared, and I am anxious.
I am sad about all of the moments lost because of this virus. My family won't be a part of my birth because they can't be at the hospital unnessecarily. My heart aches because I had to choose one person to be with me during one of the most monumental moments of my life, and everyone else has to watch from afar. My mom is struggling between choosing to comfort her mother, who just lost her husband, or staying apart from her because there have been symptoms around my grandma. And she doesn't want to get sick and potentially not be able to see her first grandchild. I am so sad for anyone who's missing a moment they otherwise could be a part of.
I am scared of the unknown. I, and others around me, are scared of losing their jobs and security because of extended leave. Bills still roll in and money still needs to be spent even when we have no money to do so. I am so scared for everyone who feels scared.
And I am anxious for the well being of my future baby. I want her to grow up in a world of possibilities and as of now, that may not be the case. I am so anxious for all of us.
You, the person reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're feeling stressed. I'm sorry you have to go through any amount of pain you're feeling and I'm sorry you have to worry. I hope you're okay – I hope you're hanging in there. I encourage you to try to show love to others during this time. Try to build others up and provide support, rather than be angry at others for whatever reason you're feeling angry.
I'll be here, doing my own thing, and hopefully, I start feeling a bit better soon so I can come back and share funny memes and gifs with you. But for now, I say farewell.
Stay healthy!
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