Guys... we did it. We’re here.
Last Friday, April 17th at 5:03 PM, after FOUR AND A HALF MINUTES of pushing (not kidding), I completed two legs of the marathon of pregnancy.
Little River is here and my god is she addicting. Everyone who’s met her melts and I gotta tell you... I know I’m biased but I don’t blame them. She’s the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen.
But this post isn’t about her journey here — though I plan on telling you all about it in a future post. This post is dedicated to the absolute cluster fuck of emotions and thoughts I’ve had in the last six days.
This post is my thoughts and feelings, six days into postpartum, the final leg of this marathon.
I’m currently sitting in my bathroom on the floor. My mom and aunt have the babe — spoiling her to death in the living room. And I’m just... sitting. I don't really know if I’m happy or sad right now, but the overwhelming pull to cry is there and I don’t really feel like talking.
I prepped so much for River to just get here but I gotta admit, I did little to prep for the aftermath. And frankly, I’m a bit taken back.
When we were spending our two days in the hospital, I felt chipper and happy. I was pretty stoked for my new “hobby” and was feeling prepared to head home. We’d spent the two days there learning how to breastfeed, learning how to take care of a postpartum body, and learning how to make sure a baby doesn't choke on their spit.
But when the time came to come home — to finally start our new lives — I panicked. The tears started and didn't really stop. We'd just experienced one of the most outrageous things we'd ever been through and then, less than 48 hours later, we were expected to just pick up our things and carry on. I knew that's what happened, I wasn't shocked we were supposed to leave but it just... hit me.
Anyways, we made our way home and my sweet Mom set up an adorable and loving welcome. Then we spent the rest of the evening talking and eating.
When it comes to the day-to-day, we're slowly learning how to do this parenting thing. Figuring out sleep and feedings, mixed with figuring out how to spend time together. I gotta say, by day six I feel like we're doing pretty well. But all this comes with the feelings.
During the daytime, I'm mostly fine. The day is spent rotating baby duties and cuddling this sweet little thang. But there are still moments when everything just gets overwhelming. I'll be fine one moment and then the next I feel the strong urge to breakdown. It could be over anything — pouring orange juice, even.
I truly can't explain the feelings and the urges, but they're so so real. And so so intense. I wish I'd had known a bit more about what I was going to feel. You hear about postpartum depression and you read about the symptoms, and you read and hear about the baby blues, but until you're in it... you just don't know.
I'm not regretting this decision, not one ounce of me is sad that I have a baby. I look at River and there is an undeniable bond. And I'm not feeling sad about my new mom-bod and the changes that have happened.
What I'm feeling is just... emotions. It's weird. It's hard to explain and I feel a bit silly saying it, but I'm just... feeling. And feeling hard.
Something significant I have learned is how important your partner is in this experience. Jake is the most amazing partner in this and I truly cannot imagine anyone else on this journey with me. I am forever grateful for his shoulder (that I've cried on) and his love (that I rely on).
Right now I'm taking it one day at a time – these six days have felt like six years (I can't believe it's only Thursday). I'm doing fine and trying to keep my chin up. It's still wild that I'm a mom and I'm still shocked I made this sweet little girl.
I'm not quite sure how to end this post except by speaking to the other parents who read this, but specifically the moms (including myself). I want you to know that what we're feeling is real and strong and if you're not doing so hot — I'm here for you. Make sure to cry it out without feeling guilty, something Jake has been making sure I know I can do.
You're strong and bold and I'm proud of you for pushing through the tough moments. We got this.
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