It's only day four, y'all, and we've already reached impulse decisions. This is going to be a long quarantine.
We don't have bangs again, so overall we're doing fine. But there is definitely a little part of me that is struggling with the whole "not getting out" thing.
In a normal week of working in an office every day, you will definitely find me slouching it on the weekends. Sweats, hair up, no makeup, often braless. It's not a bad look but its definitely not a look where I feel my most confident.
Since being in quarantine where I no longer have a reason to get ready or leave my house, I've been slouching it 24/7. And I gotta be honest, I never truly noticed the connection between my overall confidence and happiness and my appearance. I mean, ya, getting gussied up makes anyone feel good, but I've never thought my overall self-worth was so tied up in my appearance.
Guess what... it is... and yeesh – I'm not doing so hot.
Today, I told Jake I wanted to cut my hair. Being the incredibly loving and supportive man he is, he gassed me right up and said I should do it! Thus – we began our (entire) day of me going back and forth on the idea. One hour I wanted to and I was gonna go chop it off, the next I suddenly didn't like the idea.
I've had shorter hair for about the last six years, it's not new to me. In fact, I made the plunge a year ago and cut it short. The back and forth isn't because I don't know if I'd look good... I know I'd look good. I look hot with short hair – you don't gotta tell me twice, boo.
Through taking a moment to just stop and listen to my heart, I found that the back and forth is because of anxiety over becoming a mom. Nothing new here, don't mind me, just STILL panicking about the whole thing. I want to cut my hair, that's what I would choose to do if things were more simple. But I just can't pull the trigger again.
I guess the best way to put it is, for some reason, I've correlated long hair to youth and adventure. I realized that I thought cutting my hair meant I was cutting ties with my old life and that makes me very scared. And frankly, very sad. I have no fucking idea where this comes from, considering the wildest and most adventurous I've been in my life has always been when my hair is short, but that's just how it is. It's where my mind is at.
One of the hardest parts of this entire pregnancy thing is feeling like I'm losing myself.
And to be honest, I still don't know how to cope with it.
I know the past version of my life is starting to come to an end and I'm entering an era of unknown. And I know that I can't stop it and I should just accept the new with an open heart – it's going to be amazing in its own beautiful and challenging ways. But I don't feel I gave my "past life" the proper sending off. I was in the midst of me being the proudest of myself I'd ever been and then I was thrown down the road of being a mom.
So... that's kind of where I'm at right now. I know this isn't a very positive post. I generally like to tie this into something more positive, but I also think it's important to share the harder parts of this journey too.
Jake suggested (and I think he's right) that maybe I'm not feeling too great about things right now because I haven't been putting a lot of care into myself. And I'm feeling bad about that. So I'm going to dedicate some more effort towards myself.
I'd like to say my self worth isn't so connected to my appearance and I'd like to say I'm confident no matter what. But I just can't right now. I'll be okay, I just have a little more work to do.
So will I cut my hair? Who knows. We'll see where this quarantine takes us. Thanks for hearing me – you're the best listener. I hope you're staying healthy and happy.
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