I am not lost, but changed and grown

I was standing in my shower last night, thinking. I lit some candles and put on my meditation playlist in an attempt to unwind from the day – washing away anything that wasn't doing me good and breathing in warm steam.

As I stood there with my eyes closed, a thought came to mind. "I don't want to lose myself."I worked so hard to find who I was after not knowing for years, and I don't want to lose myself again. The fear started to build up (as it does) and I just... allowed myself to feel that. This is my first kid, fear comes up a lot for me, but I try to shove that away as often as I can. This time I didn't.

Deep breath in, long breath out. Feel it.

I got out of the shower, got ready for bed, and opened my journal to write when I read this entry from October.

"10/25/19

I wonder if it really is what they’ve said all along… “the only love you need is already within yourself.” I wonder if the love I’ve longed for has always been something I could reach, something I was capable of creating myself, but the circumstances weren’t right to do so.

It came to me tonight that the life I’m building right now will allow me to access the level of love I’ve wished, cried and begged for.

What I wanted was never in the form of bubble baths and treating myself. But it’s true form is found when I’m able to look into the eyes of a being I created – a literal part of me – and see nothing but love back. Two pieces coming together to create a whole.

I don’t feel this love yet, my heart hasn’t learned this capacity. But each day I grow and each day I learn. In 170 days, I meet my partner for this life. My own."

Things will not ever be the same for me. I'm currently alone, answering to no one, listening to the music I want. These moments are going to go away in four short months. But they will be replaced with a love so fierce I won't be able to stand it. Things may not ever be the same, and I’m sure I’ll miss this, but they'll become better than before and I will become a better version of myself.

In order to remain true to who I am, I'm going to try to start noticing when I feel the most "me" and keeping a list of those times. When I'm with the little lady and maybe feeling a bit wild and off-balance, I want to be able to remind myself of the tasks I can do to come back down to earth.

I may lose this version of me but I will never be lost. The person I am will carry through in all that I do and I will get the find more of me every day. So, in an effort to remind me later down the line, I wanted to list all of the things I am.

I am:

Loving

Giving

Hard-working

Determined

Strong

Independent

Fierce

Goofy

Headstrong

A fighter

A motivator

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. Do the thing you think you cannot do."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

This is for when the day comes I feel I've "lost" myself, I can come back to this post and remember that I am not lost, but changed and grown.

This version of Riley, little Riley, is still me. I am, and will always be, me.