Pregnant and afraid

Ever been going about your life, just doing your own – not pregnant thing, and suddenly you're in Vegas going to sleep at 9 pm cause you're nauseous (when you were supposed to be going to a club) with suddenly bigger-than-last-week boobs? No, just me? Cool.

Eight weeks later and the feeling of peeing on a stick and seeing that little + sign is one I don't think I'll ever forget. First, I just kind of... sat there? My breath was taken from me, so I got that back before bursting into tears – frightened. This could not be happening. I took another test, despite the plus sign showing up almost instantly the first time. Taking another test did nothing but leave me with two positive pregnancy tests and an empty abdomen because my stomach had left its original spot and was now in my throat.

This. Could not. Be happening. Not only did I get myself knocked up, but I also don’t know who the dad is. I was flooded with thoughts of how stupid I was, how I'd just ruined my life, how I was a slut for having multiple partners and not just staying home and being a nun. In addition to these self persecuting thoughts, I went through all of the measures I thought I'd taken to prevent this exact thing. I used birth control methods? I took a Plan B pill? God, why couldn't I have been a nun?! It was a moment of darkness that spread into the next few days as I decided if I was going to have an abortion or not. Yup, that's right folks, I said the 'A' word. Abortion. A frightening, heartbreaking, and life-altering decision that I was now faced with. Not to get political on my first post, but for anyone who thinks a woman who's making this decision is doing so joyfully and with vigor, you're wildly mistaken.

I went through the colossal process of researching and setting up an appointment to meet with a doctor, and not once did I feel relieved. I felt sadness and shame. The moment a woman gets pregnant her body starts preparing her to become a mother and to go against those hormonal and instinctual responses is truly tragic. However, spoiler alert for those who can't handle the topic of basic human rights, remember you're currently reading my blog about being a single mom and I'm four months away from meeting my first child.

After days of debating and being lifted up by my loving and supportive family, I made the decision to take a leap into a world I have never truly considered before. Driving to work one morning an image, clear as day, came to my mind. The image of looking into my rearview mirror at a little girl in a car seat and the feeling of being unstoppable blew my mind out of the water. And that was that. I was going to choose the harder route - willingly. The show Naked and Afraid comes to mind - disrobed of all familiar items and thrown into the wild to fend for yourself while being eaten alive by bloodthirsty mosquitos. Except, in my world, I wasn't naked... just pregnant. And the bloodthirsty aren't mosquitos – they're judgemental strangers. This is my life now, pregnant and afraid.

Funny how things work out, ain't it? Growing up I never, ever pictured myself as a mom. The images in my head were of me on stage in New York City performing on Broadway, or as a background dancer in music videos. Both of these daydreams never had me nursing a newborn or changing diapers. Though my fate was not to end up dancing professionally, it sure was set in stone by nights of dancing. Dancing and tequila, to be real honest.

Which brings us to now, my friends! I'm 21 weeks along and, while the tone of the entire top half of this post must feel like I'm unhappy, I'm pretty plump and very happy. I chose to be a mother and I'm waiting to meet the little lady who'll become my partner in crime for the rest of my days.

This blog is partly because I'm a writer by profession but mostly because I'm an emotion-feeler by nature. I gotta get my feelings out somewhere and I figured, maybe there are some other parents out there who need a little encouragement and to know everything will be okay. Because it will.

Remind yourself of it daily.