**Trigger warning, I want to preface this post with a truly humble moment. I know many women cannot get pregnant and/or have lost their babies. I know there are women who would give anything to be in my position and my heart goes out to them. I know I am blessed and I am grateful. This post is about some struggles that I've had with my body changing quickly and dramatically.**
The post will start below this image.
I wanted to start this off with something funny and catchy but everything I could think of was just a "duh, Riley" moment. My first opener was "you know, I knew I'd get bigger but I didn't know how big" and that's just one massive eye roll. Of course, I knew I'd get bigger what the hell else did I expect when I'm building a human? I'm also not even that big - I'm only 5 months pregnant. We've got a ways to go.
My second opener was gonna be "your body goes through a lot of changes when you're pregnant..." and yet again, another eye roll. Tell us something we don't know – you're boring us and its only the second post.
The reality is, I don't know how to start this post. Because the feelings that come up for me aren't funny and they aren't informative. I don't have the urge to give you all a pep talk about how I love my pregnant body and how this process is so beautiful... if I'm honest, I have the urge to cry. They do tell you your body is going to change, they do say it's going to be hard, but until you're in it? Boy, lemme tell you... you just don't know what to expect.
I spent years, actual years, working to get my body to a place where I was confident and proud. Being a dancer and cheerleader really puts a focus on your self-image and that's something that will probably never go away.
So now, after all of that, I have to loosen my grip on the reigns and just let my body do what it's gonna do.
Just for a second, I feel I need to defend myself. Yes, I knew this was going to be hard. I knew that going into this, because (if you read my last post) you know I went days thinking through all of the possibilities and I made this choice. I know pregnancy is amazing. I'm actually creating a living, breathing, learning being who has nerve endings and brain waves! Who will have the capability to create art and process information! I know I should be proud of all of this and I am, I truly am. But this is my blog and I get to write about all the shit in my head, so just listen for a minute.
You know your body more than anyone else does. Imagine going to bed and waking up the next day with a body that isn't yours. Your skin is different, your hips ache, you've got bags under your eyes, and your ten pounds heavier. Now, on top of that, imagine you're supposed to be ecstatic about it, because hey - everyone loves being pregnant! It's an amazing part of your life! You're growing a bundle of joy! When I started feeling depressed and insecure, I also started feeling ashamed. Wasn't I supposed to be loving every moment of this? I'd never imagined my pregnancy would be filled with so many tears and up to now, I haven't loved being pregnant. I felt like I wasn't doing my "duty" as a woman and being proud of this new accomplishment.
The other day, when I was trying on clothes at TJMaxx, I looked in the mirror and noticed just how much my body had changed. All at once, in that moment, it smacked me in the face and I started to cry. I'm lucky to have love around me to help me through these moments and I wasn't alone, I had a shoulder to cry on and someone to tell me I was beautiful. But damn... what a moment. I pulled my shit together and carried on, but it stuck with me. Something that I have come to realize is that, some of us? We just don't love being pregnant. And it's okay. It doesn't make us less of a mother, it doesn't make us less loving... it makes us fucking human.
Our minds can create patterns in our heads to deter our thoughts in a specific way. Like water carving through stone, one consistent, repetitive pattern of thought can create divots in our brains to keep our way of thinking from going any other way. This can also be passed on to our children - this is the concept that talking poorly about yourself in front of your kids can impact their self-image and the way they think. With my new priority in life being to protect my kid, I am dedicating myself to getting a handle on this. Now. I will stop this pattern of thinking, for her.
Something I've started is writing my goals and positive thoughts into the glass when I am showering.
"Written goals have a way of transforming wishes into wants; cant's into cans; dreams into plans; plans into reality."
I write down the things I am and want and, in my own Tony Robbin's way, I am able to set these thoughts into motion. Next time you're having one of those no-good days - try this. Close your eyes, take a moment to slow down and feel the warm water on your skin. Cry, if you want, but when you're finished take a deep breath and let all of the tension in your shoulders (or jaw, or neck, or wherever) release. Then, write that you're happy. Write that you're loved. Write that you're beautiful. You are; I am; We are.
I am promising myself to continue to do this. It requires zero effort and I have enjoyed how beautiful it looks on the window. "You owe yourself the love that you so freely give to others." I believe this wholeheartedly and I will be better.
I've got four months to get this into a daily practice and I will make it happen. Lil lady, you're coming into a world of love and I will teach you to stand tall and proud of who you are and what you believe. You're gonna soar.
Comments