I think one of the most exciting parts for any expecting (or new) parent is selecting a name for their child.
For a lot of us, the second a couple gets pregnant – a name is one of the first things they start to think of! What am I going to call my own, am I going to choose something they hate, what’s a good middle name to go with their first… there’s a lot to consider.
Whether you pick the name the moment you see their sweet face in person, or you pick it in advance, it's a lot of fun to think of options.
For me, while I never really planned on having kids, I did have names selected in my mind. I would always say “IF I were to have kids, a boy's name would be Samson and a girl's name would be Lavender.” That was what it was, for a long-ass time.
But then I actually got pregnant and neither of those names felt right.
If I’m totally honest, the fact that I was pregnant didn’t seem quite right either! But that just came along with the shock I was feeling (read all about it here).
No, Samson and Lavender just weren’t going to do.
After finding out I was pregnant I went into decision-making mode on whether or not I was going to keep the baby. And as I outlined in this blog post, I had images flash in my mind of me with a little girl. Those images helped guide me to the decision I ultimately made. While that all is true, there was one more factor that helped me make my final decision of becoming a mother.
Her name.
If you know me personally, you know that I love Disney. To put it frankly, I’m a fuckin Disney psycho – I’m not gonna go into details. Just believe me. The reason I’m saying this is because I often listen to Disney music when I’m upset to help me feel a little better – specifically the soundtrack to my favorite Disney movie, Pocahontas. When I was struggling with the decision of what to do, I basically had that soundtrack on repeat. No, not basically. I did, it was on loop for about three days.
There was a moment when I was at work and I just could not stand sitting there anymore. I had to leave, I had to clear my head. I was going nuts with the decision I was making that no one around me knew about. So I got up and decided to go for a walk outside.
Now, this is where the story gets admittedly corny. I realize it’s fuckin cheesy, but it's my reality so just hang in there.
While I was walking, in went the headphones and on went the Pocahontas soundtrack. I got to a song where Pocahontas’ father is explaining to her how rivers are able to stay steady and strong because they choose the course of least resistance (he’s trying to convince her to forget her dreams and marry a man in her village, who could provide a comfy life).
This song from her father propels us into Just Around the Riverbend, where Pocahontas talks about how rivers aren’t actually steady and smooth - they’re unpredictable and exciting with twists and turns around every bend.
At the beginning of the song she says:
“What I love most about rivers is you can’t step in the same river twice.
The water’s always changing - always flowing. But people, I guess, can’t live like that. We all must pay a price:
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing what’s around the river bend.”
Pocahontas is a story about a young woman actively choosing a course that is difficult because she knows it will be worth it in the end.
And that was it. I was in, 100%. I couldn’t look at my future without seeing myself taking the harder path because who knows what was waiting for me around the river bend. This baby was my leap into something scary and unknown, but exciting and lovely.
So I took a deep breath and chose this path - the path with my little girl, River Lee McGriff. Her name is more than just a name to me... it's the beginning of our story and a life that's now mine to share. She is my choice and my guide and will, from now on, forever be the reason I exist.
A letter to River
My vow to you is to always be someone you know you can trust. I will be the most honest with you about our beginning and I promise to answer all the questions you, inevitably, have.
With that truth, I’m sure there will come a time when you’re angry with me for decisions I chose to make now. And for that anger you’re feeling, I’m sorry.
But I want you to know that with every step of the way and with every moment I sat alone thinking of you, my decisions were made solely with love.
You will never see a day where you’re not accepted and supported and you will never see a day without an embrace from me, your biggest fan. We will conquer this life together and I will do everything in my power, never to let you down.
I adore you, my little River.
- Mom
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